Email Awesomeness

So I was going through some past emails and found this gem from a friend. Yeah. It's awesome:

Okay so check this out,

So I always lay on the carpet in front of the TV in the family room, yet since I've been home there have been all these little bugs getting on me. I didn't think much at first but then I looked it up and found out they were ticks. It's only been my mom at home the past 2 weeks (sister at school dad on business) so she never noticed cause she just hung in the Master Bedroom.

At the same time I kept hearing things in our chimney (you know how you can close the chimney so that it doesn't open to the fireplace but is rather just a long closed off cylinder with an opening at the top?). I just thought they were birds flying into the chimney.

Actions Taken:

Today fed up with the ticks and feeling slightly dirty I set off foggers in the house.

Secondly, for some odd reason my house still had an antenna on the roof from like 20 years ago before we had cable. So in my idle state I climbed up on the roof and sawed off the antenna which I felt was attracting the birds into the chimney. I know the thought of me in the middle of the day up on the roof shirtless using my hands to bend, twist, and cut things is a huge turn-on, I'm sure the thought of that little trickle of perspiration down my shoulder blades as I used the hacksaw is as super sexy to you as it is to me.

Third, I took a look down the chimney with a flashlight to find a family of like 4 raccoons living in there (no idea if they can get out)!

Thus, my ticks were a product of raccoons in the chimney that connect to the fireplace in the family room.

Action Items:

Tomorrow I'm calling:

1) The SPCA to get rid of the raccoons
2) A chimney company to get rid of the raccoon excrement and place a chimney cap on the chimney
3) Exterminators

In addition to which I think I am going to scrub myself with steel wool to completely cleanse myself. Have you ever used tweezers on a tick that has been sucking on your body? It explodes and out comes a hefty chunk of your blood, somewhat satisfying... but of course none of you have had this experience b/c unlike me you guys are clean.

Best,

[friend's name]